DIFFERENT SORT OF NEWS

I need to stress first of all that this isn't a totally emo cry for attention or anything, but I've been mentally weighing the notion of saying something here vs. having the world persist in believing something no longer true, and I'm not really keen on the latter.

So then:

I'm single again.

I think we're both okay. It's just something that had to happen. We're not enemies or anything; just not dating anymore. There's no resentment or anything, at least not right now. I don't know, it's been a long time since my last breakup -- maybe I'm out of practice. I think at this point I'm just babbling. We're both reasonably all right, no big huge drama or nothin'.

I uh. I guess that's it?

NO, WAIT, SHUT UP

I've decided that bumper stickers covered in dense text are basically the stupidest thing in the entire world. They're next to impossible for anyone to read while driving without endangering the owner or the reader. Since you can only read them when the car is stationary, this means that someone who doesn't like your bumper sticker has ample opportunity to gouge a healthy swatch of paint out with their keys -- or smash a window, put the car in neutral, and shove it off the nearest cliff. It's lose-lose, people!

Dogblog update went up a little while ago; good day to you!

BEDTIME == ?

Here's a question.

What time do little kids go to bed?

My next-door neighbors (who share a wall with our townhousey/condo thing) have a little kid. I'm not sure how little (I've never seen him/her), and maybe that's extremely relevant to the question, but maybe you guys can give me a range here?

Basically I just want to know how late in the evening I can play my guitar and sing. I feel bad doing it anytime after 9pm now, whereas before, with the previous neighbors, 10pm was my self-imposed cutoff. My room is one room away from sharing a wall with them, but I'm a pretty forceful singer/guitar player, is the thing, and I don't want to keep any little kids from getting their sleep.

UP/DOWN A NOTCH

Either my hair is growing faster or the new trimmer I got uses a different measuring system for the little toothy length-determining guard dealies. In any case, I'm going to start using the next-shorter one.

This update has been brought to you by Monday afternoon!

THE FACE OF GODWICH

FUCKING HELL

- Cumin breaded chicken breast
- Salsa fresca
- Avocado
- Some sort of chili aioli*
- Bun

I SEE EVERYTHING
I AM EVERYTHING

I'm going to have to try replicating this at home, but in the event this fails, a pilgrimage to Park Chow every Wednesday is acceptable to me

* Which I guess is mayonnaise, but I'm willing to admit my hard-line stance on mayo may require some slight revision

ON PINEAPPLES

You guys, I have not blogged about pineapples for a while because of a failure. I failed at pineapples. What happened was this: I bought one, and then I left it on my table for way too long. I kept walking past it thinking, "I should cut that up soon," but for some reason I never got around to it. And then it was too late.

I just bought one yesterday, though, and I definitely didn't fail this time!

THE SECRET TO EATING THE FUCK OUT OF SOME DELICIOUS PINEAPPLE IS THIS:

- Buy one in the afternoon and put it in your car for the rest of the day. This has the effect of making your entire car smell fantastic.
- As soon as you get home, cut it up right then and there! Don't wait for anything else to happen.

Right now there's a repurposed yogurt container sitting in my fridge at home full of fresh juicy pineapple slices. This can be your life too! Unless you're in a place where you can't buy pineapples, I guess. Or you don't like them for some reason.

I can't help all of you.

SOMETHING I'VE DISCOVERED

I learned something about myself tonight.

My housemate Michelle's dog, Bo, is one of the most placid dogs I've ever met. When she's out of the house, he tends to spend a lot of time lying on the floor in her room or in either of the two bathrooms, just chillin' on the rug. Tonight, as with most nights, I had a pretty big glass of water with dinner, and I think I must have hyperkidneys, because it went through me pretty quickly and

You see where this is going, right?

What I've learned is that I cannot pee in the same room as a dog. I just can't. I got as far as walking into the bathroom and standing in front of the toilet, but after looking at Bo (who wouldn't move from his place on the bathroom floor) there was just no way. I went upstairs.

I didn't intend for it to be this way, but there is also a Dogblog update if you want to look at dogs and not think about me urinating at the same time.

NOT THE SAME LANGUAGE

Explain to me the usefulness of the following remark:

SITUATION: You are in a small Mexican restaurant, ordering your food at the counter, after which you will pay your money and take a seat, and they will bring the food to you.

WHAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH FOR SOME REASON: "Yeah, so could I get an extra container of the salsa? 'Cause you guys skimp on the salsa sometimes, and I just want to make sure I get enough."

I don't know about you guys, but to me, this sounds like the sort of thing a jackass might say. Okay, fine, you don't get enough salsa sometimes -- I've been there too, I think! -- but there are probably infinite ways to say it without being a rude fucker. Does this not strike you as odd? Is it just me?

I admit that my impression may be unfavorable because this guy just kind of looked like an arrogant prick. Mostly it was the stubble and the Serious Bike Messenger Wear.

I guess I just like making snap judgments!

BIG BIZ NESS

Notes for a fictional moneymaking pay-website idea called ONLYCROSSOVERS.COM (The Premier Site for Fan Fiction Featuring Crossovers!):

• Is it enough to put Captain Janeway on the bridge of Serenity or would adding Seven of Nine create just the right blend of sexual tension


• Does it matter what season of The Simpsons I draw from if I replace Homer with Lumbergh from Office Space (look into this)


• Is it too early to introduce the concept of musical crossover fan fiction -- like what if Fiona Apple went back in time and joined the Beatles or something (secure copyrights to concept)


• Etcetera

See you all when I'm a multi-millionaire, suckers!

WHAT ABOUT MY IMPORTANT NEEDS

The costume shop to which I wanted to pay a visit this evening closed about half an hour before I got there. This was for some reason tremendously irritating to me. The trouble with the place is that it's one of those transient Halloween costume stores that appears during this month and no other time, so it's not like it's got a website or a yellow pages entry or something (I didn't know what it was called, either). Tomorrow I'll go back during its actual hours and find out some things. Among them: Whether they're in business or anything resembling business during the month of May, because I'm developing long-range* plans and this is vital intel.

Unrelatedly, the Dogblog updated like ten minutes ago. Now you're on the cutting edge of web technology, which I've just renamed "webnology." You heard it here first!

* Bay to Breakers

NOW I UNDERSTAND

I'm not saying I didn't before, nor am I saying I refused to believe it, but that whole "cat & mouse" thing is verifiably not a purely theoretical or made-up concept to me anymore. You know, that thing where a cat, having captured a mouse, will let it go free for a little while so it can run around pathetically before the cat either bats it with a paw or straight up pounces on it and starts the whole thing over before finally picking it up and taking it somewhere to eat?

What I'm saying is I saw a cat do that this morning while I was on my morning jog run thing. I'm also positive it was a house cat; it was wearing a harness, like you would use to "walk" a cat if you wanted to use a leash. I wonder if it brought the mouse's body back to its family or what.

Animals!

U.T.C.F.B. UPDATE OF SORTS

Mental wheels are still turning on ULTIMATE TEAM CARDBOARD FORTRESS BATTLE, which by the way I've made a couple of small tweaks to. Those of you who know me, make sure I have an email address for you that's working. And keep your mid-Sunday open on Halloween weekend.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING

What follows is a partial list of completely unadulterated song titles from the album Michigan by Sufjan Stevens.

• All Good Naysayers, Speak Up! Or Forever Hold Your Peace!


• For The Windows In Paradise, For The Fatherless In Ypsilanti


• Detroit, Lift Up Your Weary Head! (Rebuild! Restore! Reconsider!)


• They Also Mourn Who Do Not Wear Black (For The Homeless In Muskegon)


• Oh God, Where Are You Now? (In Pickeral Lake? Pigeon? Marquette? Mackinaw?)

I realize this album is relatively old news, Sufjan-Stevens-speaking, but can someone have a talk with this guy. When the title of the song takes five billion years to scroll across my car stereo display, something is awry. I realize that my car stereo display's configuration and scroll rate are factors, but come on. Those aren't titles, those are thesis statements.

A FEW LITTLE THINGS

Just a few things to bring to your attention, in no particular order:

• Serenity is a pretty fucking good movie. You should see it even if you didn't watch Firefly (although you should've been watching Firefly, I won't blame you if you missed it; Fox only showed, like, half the episodes because they're superintelligent).


• I think I might actually be growing slightly less fond of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah! because of the singer's voice. Am I the only one?


• The above item is no excuse for someone to be all hurr hurr im not fond of them because they're MUSIC suckz hurr


• That is what we call low-hanging fruit.


• What do you call a series of six books? A double trilogy? A hexilogy? Ew. Eww. In trying to figure this out with a friend of mine, I settled on "Platinum Plus Trilogy."


• I just updated the Dogblog to start out the month.

That's it for now. Go have some pumpkin pie!