All right, fuck it, let's do this. If you're reading this blog, you should do one of these, too. Let's armchair-quarterback the shit
out of this country!
- I, (YOUR NAME HERE), TYRANT KING/QUEEN OF AMERICA
- No more than ten bullet points. Just give the highlights.
I, JON SUNG, TYRANT KING OF AMERICA
- We get us a health care system that's actually on par with any fucking first-world European nation.
- Some of the CEO-type motherfuckers who got us in this economic mess are going the fuck to jail.
- Abortion's legal. Period. Deal with it or move out, I don't give a fuck anymore.
- Gay marriage is legal, too. That's right.
- Stem cell research is on.
Cry about it on your own time, we won't stop you.
- Intelligent design gets taught in fucking Sunday school, if anywhere. In real school, kids learn real science, for fucksake. Fuck! Also, real teachers get paid more.
- If you're convicted of a hate crime, you get a limb hacked off and no prosthetic (it's harder to lynch people one-handed); if you're convicted repeatedly, we're just going to keep sawing limbs the fuck off until you're a torso on a skateboard -- you could find a useful profession as a football, maybe.
- News media are now constrained to report just the facts, and tell us what's important first. Just the facts! Shit like calling a senatorial election in Massachusetts "a stinging referendum on Obama's health care initiative" gets you fined. Opinion assholes can still be on the air, but the start of every show and end of every commercial break must contain the announcement "And now some opinions from an asshole" -- there's no more dressing this shit up as fact.
- Turbo election rules
from here on out, until the end of time.
- You want kids? You need to pass a basic exam that proves you're a competent fucking human being with some ethics.
And because I am TYRANT KING OF AMERICA, I get a bonus one:
- The following movies are to be stricken from the record and remade under my personal watchful eye:
-- Transformers 1 and 2
-- All three Star Wars prequels
-- Star Trek: Nemesis
-- The ending to Battlestar Galactica
History will vindicate me!