Dogs 313-320

Listen, dude, I am sorry I am not a good enough photographer to know how to light your face properly, but isn't it your own fault for wearing something that takes attention away from it? Who's the real monster here, you or me?


Tip: When they finally put you away for that quadruple murder back in Baltimore you thought you pulled off so cleanly, at least try to get a hot cellmate. It'll help the time go by faster.


I know you already feel superior for owning a Mini in a city where parking is harder to come by than a wisecracking chartreuse unicorn in sunglasses, but to also make your dog finish your parking job for you so you can be sure to get a good table during the weekend brunch rush is just the height of arrogance.


What are you even looking at? Is somebody giving a class on how not to blend in even more with your surroundings? Just play with your toy, champ, you graduated a while ago. Go on, nobody's looking.


You're not going to buy one of those cheap used dishwashers, are you? You know those parts aren't guaranteed past five years, especially if they're made with inferior plastics. No, you need the Whirlpool GU2700 XTSQ with 36 targeted spray jets, Adaptive Wash cycles, sound insulation, adjustable rack height, and the all-new PowerScour™ system, and this guy right here is going to sell it to you. Watch your wallet.


I don't know either, man. Just try and relax and take a deep breath and think really hard about where you last saw your keys. There's no sense freaking out about it, you're just going to make everyone else upset too. Calm down.


What a security system. I know this doesn't look especially intimidating, but maybe that's the point. Like if you tried to make a move, all you'd hear is the sudden screeching of tires and a thump and then nothing. Forever.


Are ankle bracelets coming back? Were they ever gone? I don't know the first damn thing about fashion. Maybe that's why she's looking so smug, if that's even a she. If that's a he, then congratulations, because you and I must have both traveled in time to the future. Race you to the spaceport.