WHEN I SAY 2, YOU SAY PAC

So I'm listening to All Eyez on Me and it finally dawns on me why this album sounds a little weird to my ears: it seems like he's got two simultaneous vocal tracks going on every song. I don't know if he actually recorded them twice, or if he just decided to double them or what. But I was like: why. Why do this.

It's not because he called himself 2Pac, is it? This cannot be the answer. Among other things, to me this would almost have to necessitate that during his live shows, he would appear onstage alongside a body double who knew all the words to all his songs, and they would perform synchronized, mirrored routines. I never saw the dude when he was alive, and nobody has ever said that's what his shows were like, so I'm going to assume it didn't happen.

Unless I've been having auditory hallucinations, I guess the reason for the doubled vocal tracks will never be known.

I BRING ONLY SOLUTIONS

My birthday's next week and it occurred to me yesterday that not only have I planned nothing for it, it's clear that I don't even have the time to do anything for it. I've got band practice on the actual day of. I have things to rehearse for. I think my mom's coming to visit the weekend immediately following. There is no time for anything.

My solution is elegant.

For my birthday this year, just come to my show on the 9th. It's at a cafe, so you don't even have to make dessert -- they have those there. We can probably do something afterwards, even; I don't expect it to go past 9:30pm.

And so:

Tuesday 12/9
Bazaar Cafe
5927 California
8pm
Free

It's in the outer Richmond, but we are grownups in a city, and we know how to get around. Also, it costs zero dollars at the door. And it's my delayed birthday party, my gravies. Let's do this.

ESSENTIAL UPDATES

First off, you need to know that I have updated the Dogblog, because I care about each and every one of you deeply.

Now then. Before Thxgvng and the subsequent holiday madness occur, let's take a moment to reflect on what's truly important: going to see musical performances that are of quality. I happen to know of two! Mark your calendars or whatever it is you use to keep track of things that are happening.

12/9 (Tues)
Bazaar Cafe
5927 California
Solo show
8pm
Free

This is a solo acoustic show I'm doing, the first of its kind in at least a couple of years. I have new songs. You'll like them. I'll most likely be doing this one with a girl named Becky whose musical stylings are also a treat for the ears.

12/13 (Sat)
Million Fishes
2501 Bryant St
The Definite Articles (between Grass Widow and Judgement Day)*
8pm
$5

We've been busy working on new material, which is why we haven't been playing out a whole lot. I don't need to tell you it's going to be excellent. You already knew this.

* I couldn't find the right thing for Grass Widow; I'm fairly certain this isn't the band I found that's from North Carolina.

WHO EVEN KNOWS

I was at a party last night being thrown by Digg, basically to hang out with some new friends, but I was having a weird off night and couldn't seem to make any of my fun cells kick in 100%.* I think it might've been due to the fact that the party was kind of loud, and I don't like being in a place where I have to yell at somebody in order to be heard, or stand really close to them in order to be heard.

I also think I could feel the raw sucking energy of some truly desperate wannabe webstyle heroes trying to meet the correct person to pitch their Web2.0 business to,** and that unnerved me. I mean, Veronica Belmont was there and I did not say hi. That is how off-balance I felt, despite the fact that MC Hammer was there. Or I guess just Hammer now. He can call himself what he wants. He's earned that right.

* At least not internally; I don't know if anyone else could tell.

** Nobody I knew or encountered personally, but it was detectable in the same way an odor is perceivable.

HERE'S WHAT IT WAS

I decided to catch up with 2005 and dip a cautious toe into the waters of internet dating. One of the questions I ran into when setting up a profile was something along the lines of "Brag a little -- what's your best physical feature?" This was not a question I felt comfortable answering. It's my own body, how am I supposed to know what other people think is the best part?

I mean, I'm fairly sure I know what it is, but there wasn't a write-in option for "my ten-foot long, vibrating, chocolate-flavored cock, which spews gold coins and kittens." Which reminds me, would anybody like approximately 15,000 kittens.

Wait.

UNGF

15,210 kittens.

FOR SCIENCE

I have a question for you. You can put your answer in the comments or just email it to me (I don't care which, but you might).

What's my best physical feature?

This was asked of me tonight and I am the one person who is least qualified to answer.

DON'T YOU THINK SO

I went to the anti-Prop 8 protest that happened on Saturday, and it was remarkable for being the first such event I've attended that managed to stay on-message the entire time -- at no point did I see anybody with signs that said "Meat is Murder!" or "Free Mumia!" It was excellent. But after a while, I started to want something else, things that might be impossible.

For instance: could somebody with real, actual legal knowledge and situational relevance make a website or even just a blog post that contains things like

- Actual legal strategies currently being prepared and/or deployed against Prop 8
-- Anything that made its being on the ballot substantively illegal
-- Anything intrinsic to the proposition itself that contravene the state or federal constitution
-- Other court-based precedents for striking down Prop 8
- Real, actual ways in which the rest of us can help
-- Probably by donating some money
-- Or maybe volunteering for specific organizations

I got to thinking that it was nice to see this many people who are against that piece of shit, but after a while it started to dawn on me that we were really just there to be counted, and the actual work was (or at least should have been) taking place elsewhere.

I also admit that I thought to myself "Man, this many people working together in one location could really destroy something." What if

1. You could get this many people together outside each Mormon temple
2. Protesters entered the building in teams and removed everyone inside the building in a nonviolent manner (videotaping everything for YouTube)
3. Protesters confirmed the building was empty
4. Protesters burned the place to the ground
5. Protesters then seeded the roasted earth with highly radioactive isotopes, so that nothing useful could be done with that land for hundreds of years

I freely admit that there are big problems with steps 2 and 5 (what's to prevent the isotopes from leaching into the water table with the rainwater, for instance?), but it's nice to think about, at least. And yes, the Mormons would probably just rebuild all their temples, but it'd give them something constructive (ha!) to do with their money instead of fund legislative discrimination.

JUST ONE EXAMPLE

This is what life is now: I'm getting on a plane to LAX tomorrow afternoon to guest with Dizzy Balloon for their set at the Viper Room, along with my actual bandmate Shawn, and then flying back Friday morning. I'm going to have a week where nothing out of the ordinary happens; it will be in early 2010.

I HAVEN'T FIGURED THAT PART OUT YET

I keep getting spam from "hot brunette girls" who want to "find new penpals or people to talk to on Skype video." Specifically Skype video. What in the noise is that all about. I can't figure out the angle here -- are these dudes hiring hot women to talk to rubes via webcam and somehow trick them out of all their money? How much must that pay, if so? I can't imagine a universe where it's worth it, either for the scammers or these notional women. If it is lucrative, then these people need to be placed in charge of the global economic recovery plan immediately.

RECOMMENDATION

For the next three nights, you can find me at this:



Printz Dance Project
Home Season
Cowell Theatre
Fort Mason
San Francisco
8pm

I'll be playing the violin on one of the pieces, but don't come for me alone -- this is Worth It.

IT REALLY IS TIME

I want so badly for a major magazine to publish a cover that simply says "HOLY FUCK, AMERICA." So this is what it feels like to be patriotic again! For real! On a side note, does anyone know what Anne Coulter and Sean Hannity are doing right now? Hopefully gargling the barrel of a 12-gauge? Can a man dream?

Speaking of weaponry, it is also time for Californians to rack another round into the chamber: Prop 8 somehow still lives, even though we tried to kill it. Our aim must be surer.

DO YOUR DUTY

If you haven't voted by the end of the day, we cannot be friends. I will make exceptions for people who are from other countries, or who aren't 18 (do I even know any of those), but the rest of you, seriously. Do this. I've gone beyond "live wire" and into "fusion battery;" every cell in my body is vibrating with anticipation and tension. It's time.

And btw, if you live in California and you vote(d) Yes on Prop 8, not only are we no longer pals or even acquaintances, I will physically harm you or something you like as a special bonus!

TITLE GOES HERE

I don't know what else to say, people. I was at a wedding this weekend where I learned that cupcakes can be made of magic, cops can be poets, it is possible to have a waterslide on your personal property, and you can have the untitled tenth track from In the Aeroplane Over the Sea as your totally fucking rad recessional if you want to. This is the future, and there are no limits. I owe everyone there for a great time, in particular the amazing bride. She knows why.