NEW NAMES FOR THINGS

I only have a new name for one thing, actually, which is the wind I have to ride my bike into when I'm on my way home. Its name is Headwind and the Angry Inch.

Hey, I updated the Dogblog! How about that.

I AM DEFINITELY CORRECT ABOUT THIS

I don't know that this'll make a light go on in your head the same way it did mine, but during a conversation about TV shows this morning with a friend, I got to thinking about MacGyver, and how

- He always helped the innocent
- He never killed his enemies*
- He possessed a talent not shared by many mortal men

MacGyver was totally a superhero.

* I'm not strictly certain Murdoc counts, and if you know what I'm talking about, then we are in this boat together, aren't we

BIKEBLOG

Today I rode my bicycle to work, something I plan on doing three days a week (basically the days I don't have band practice) from now until whenever the weather gets bad. The return trip is something that'll probably take longer; there are hills I'm going to have to go up. That sound you're hearing is me getting into some semblance of shape!

REALLY? NOT KIDDING?

Most(?) of the lineup for the upcoming Outside Lands festival right here in San Francisco has been announced, and while I was initially extremely, insanely excited to be able to bike to a place to see fucking Radiohead play a show, the ticket information's a cold cup of coffee. A single three-day ticket is 225 American dollars, which is technically cheaper than Coachella, but (and I am sorry to say this, artists) that is not really a Coachella-comparable lineup, even with the addition of Radiohead. There are currently no single-day passes, which may be offered later based on availability; this says to me "We're going to try to make as many people pay full price as possible, because otherwise everyone is just going to go on whatever day Radiohead plays." That might just be my personal interpretation, though I can't believe Jack Johnson would be as big of a draw, or the animate skeleton of Tom Petty.

BRING YOUR OWN VAGUE AMBIVALENCE

The annual Bring Your Own Big Wheel race happened again this weekend, this time in Potrero Hill instead of at the top of Lombard. It was completely excellent, as usual, but this time I found myself mildly irked at the people who I could tell were just there to take Pictures for their Blog, and subsequently irked at myself for being a techno-exclusionist post-hipster meta-dickwad. It's complicated, this life.

GET ON THIS, INTERNET

Garfield Minus Garfield is great and all, but can we also see a version where it takes out everybody but Garfield? What would that look like? Can someone have this on my desk by Monday (hyar hyar)

(Garfield hates Mondays)

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Did you guys know that there's no such thing as a box set that contains all three Terminator movies? Doesn't it seem like such a thing should exist by now? Yet it doesn't. Someone told me this is because different studios own the rights to the first two movies, but don't you think those studios still like money?

SINCE WHEN

Did you guys know that there are Fruity Cheerios? How long's that been going on? I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that a cereal product has slipped past my radar, which seems unusual given the volume of cereal advertising in this day and age. Back to you.

NOSESCRATCH

I've probably discussed this with several of you in person, this thing where my body -- apparently not content with the current, classic array of allergy symptoms -- decided to invent me a whole new one: the inside of my nose itches. The inside! Specifically, the first few millimeters of the inner surface of both nostrils. This is not an itch that you can really scratch; oddly, just rubbing it hard seems to produce more relief. It might look like nosepicking, to the inattentive observer.

Be assured that is not what I am doing.

AGHLBHRLHBLGHLRHBLBHL

I DO NOT APOLOGIZE FOR NACHOS

It's too early in the morning to have a stomachache. Nevertheless, that seems to be what's going on. Was it the nachos I had for dinner last night (which were delicious, in spite of being technically leftovers)? Couldn't be; it just started now. Maybe it was the banana? Should I stay away from bananas until they're just a liiiiiittle bit more ripe? What happens if I need potassium, people?

What then?

DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH

What has two thumbs and is completely down to see Ladytron on May 27th at the Fillmore?

This is probably not as hard a question as you might imagine.

IT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES

Part n+1 in a neverending series of "things I think about when I'm out walking somewhere:"

SUDDEN OUT-OF-THE-BLUE QUESTION: Has Reginald VelJohnson ever played anything other than a cop?

IMPORTANT COROLLARY THAT OCCURRED TO ME .8 SECONDS LATER: How much would Family Matters have been improved if it had taken place explicitly within the Die Hard universe?

I AM NOT A GAME DESIGNER

I'm going to go ahead and blame the muzziness in my head from having returned to the loving arms of antihistamines and not on a case of the Mondays. That is a phrase I just typed. I think my neurochemistry will equilibrate soon -- I think I need to offset it with more exercise, which let's be honest is something I could probably use. The only other thing I want to ask the internet today is: where is my Connect Four app for Facebook.

TURBO ELECTION

How long do we, as a nation, really need to pick a President? Wouldn't it be awesome if all of this election crap was squeezed into, say, a concentrated three-month period before November, as opposed to however the fuck long this primary process alone has taken? Hold my hand for a second and imagine this beautiful alternate America with me:

- It's illegal to campaign until August of an election year. No posters, no stickers, no commercials, no bullshit press releases about "Mayor Asswipe is considering possibly running for election this year, maybe."

- Once August starts, it's campaign season, but you need to sack up and declare your candidacy right at the beginning. Either you're in or you're out.

- Nobody's allowed to go anywhere. No stump speeches, no photo ops, no press junkets, no "Iowa is the most important state in the hrglbhrlgh superdelegates argblhrglhl." You win on the strength of your ideas, or you don't.

- All major TV networks are required to devote one hour of primetime TV every weeknight to "Presidential Candidates and Their Ideas." Every candidate gets a rotating 5-minute slot to explain what their deal is. As candidates drop out due to their ideas being horrible (this gets voted on periodically in a series of public referenda), the timeslots expand, and each candidate gets more air time as we get closer to November.
-- Every weekend for three hours, there's an "I Call Bullshit" TV show where one candidate has to stand on a podium and answer questions from the other candidates for 20 minutes. This rotates between candidates until they've all had a chance to call bullshit on each other. Realtime live studio audience polling will display a red light/green light system above the "hot seat" candidate's head indicating whether or not their answer was a real, actual answer, or just some bullshit. Similar polling is also available for rating each questioner's questions. Later, as November nears, "I Call Bullshit" moves to questions from Americans submitted and voted on by Slashdot-style numeric rating.

- I'm not even going to get into this electoral college thing other than saying we should probably rethink that action.

I THINK I JUST FIXED AMERICA

YOU'RE WELCOME

BUT WHO HAS THE TIME

Idea for the day: An online database similar to IMDB that tracks every actor and every role they've ever played, but also keeps count of how many times they've played a character who dies in the movie (the idea being that we wondered whether there are people whose specialty is playing characters who get killed, just as there are people who seem typecast for villainous roles, etc). This database would be called SPOILER ALERT. I can't remember who I had this idea with (I was in a car, talking to somebody), but that person deserves half the credit.

UNRELATED ITEMS

Allergy season is upon us again. I can tell you this reliably because the water I squeegeed from my rear windshield this morning was yellow with pollen. It is time.

After a weekend trip to LA, I come to you now with an idea for a restaurant called MouthParty. The only thing is that I can't quite figure out what it's supposed to serve. Desserts or Indian food are the current leading suggestions.