TITLE UP FOR GRABS

Attention movie, comic, or playwrights reading this blog (including people who write plays about John Malkovich): I have a title for you, courtesy of coworker Jessica. Depending on how you work it, it could be literally any kind of story. This is the property of the year, possibly of the decade.

I give you: THE DEAD DON'T DO IT

You're welcome.

ALL FINGERS CROSSED

I'm not a person who enjoys rumormongering, to the extent that I don't even bother with election coverage about poll results -- I consider them utter nonsense until at least 24 hours have passed, if not a week -- but every once in a while, something comes along that really gets my hopes up for a better world. This is one of those.

I should also mention that the Dogblog saw an update for the first time in a while; I shoot for monthly, but lately it's been more like bi-monthly.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN ACOUSTICS

I've discovered something about the main-floor bathroom at the office that probably isn't surprising to anyone: I can hear it when the phone rings on a floor above ours. It's not a phone that belongs to any person or department in my company; it has to be a phone from some other company that makes its home above us. I wonder why it is that I can hear a phone, but not, say, a voice? Aren't they roughly the same volume? Maybe there's something about the waveform of a phone ringing that pierces walls and reverberates inside tile better. I don't have all the answers, people, I just don't.

FOODZBLOG N+1

I seem to only be able to discuss food lately. Here comes another item for you, then

I bought some "Limon" potato chips because they were on special, and I am prepared to admit that I made a mistake. Or that Frito-Lay made a mistake. Either these chips were a bad idea, or there was an incident on the way from conception to execution. The latter seems more possible; those "hint of lime" Tostitos are great. Anyway, that's the last time I experiment with snack foods for a while. I should've gone with another box of those spicy Cheez-Its.

THE SOUL OF GRAPEFRUIT IS WHERE

Here's something that I just realized is sort of weird. I've eaten a lot of grapefruit the usual way: cut in half, scooping sections out with a tool, squeezing the depleted husk for its juices and drinking them. The juice is always good, and that's without adding any sugar to the fruit.

Why, then, is "no sugar added" grapefruit juice so bad? There's an unsweetened kind we have in bottles at work, and I have to add two packets of sugar to make it palatable. I refuse to believe that there's some essence to grapefruit juice that gets lost when you bottle it; orange juice has been perfected for some time now. It's probably preservatives or something, huh. I guess that's what happens when you, like, depend on chemicals and get away from nature, maaaan.

HOW WOULD WE KNOW

I am not a man who pays a whole fuck of a lot of attention to presidential elections until it gets much closer to actual, real voting time in November. Still, a certain level of background noise is literally unavoidable, as far as coverage of the primaries goes, and so some knowledge inevitably ends up seeping into my brain. This has always been so. However, is it just me, or is this the first motherfucking time any of us has ever heard anything about "superdelegates"? Seriously? Are they just making shit up now?

WE ALL COULD BENEFIT FROM KNOWING

If I had a time machine, one of the things I think I'd eventually get around to is locating the exact moment that bitter melon was first incorporated into cuisine, and find out why. How could you taste something like that and not immediately say "You know what, not only is this shitty, it's so shitty it might actually be poison. Maybe we shouldn't eat it, guys. What do you say? You know those berries we tried yesterday that made Wong* die? Let's put this thing in the pile where those berries are." Honestly, it's not like the taste is subtle or anything. Bitter melon! Whose call was that?

* I first encountered this in a dish as "Chinese bitter melon," so I'm assuming it was the Chinese who first discovered it millenia ago, but obviously we don't know for sure.

THE WORLD IS CHERRIES

I acquired a mild cold over the weekend that caused my body to create more snot than should physically be possible. I learned a long time ago that you can avoid a sore, abraded nose (from nose-blowing) by rubbing it with Chap Stick, but this weekend I got tired of having to smell the "original" Chap Stick every time I did it. So I got one of the cherry ones. This is unquestionably an improvement, but you can imagine what it does to my olfactory picture of the world.

THE AFTERMATH OF WAR

I went to this yesterday, because why not, and I think if I wave my arm hard enough, feathers might shoot out of my fingertips. It was a scene. Next year, I'll have a painter's mask on to keep from inhaling something I'd rather not.

If you happened to be there, and I didn't say hello, it's because I didn't have my glasses on (I've been in a pillow fight or two in my day) and wouldn't've recognized you unless you were in front of me, in which case I probably smacked you with a pillow. That counts as saying hello in most civilized countries, anyway.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

I would like to dedicate this morning's intermittent, sharp pain in my back, near my left shoulder -- which I think I got from sleeping on it weird -- to all the advertising directed at happy couples out there. Don't worry too much; it'll be gone by lunchtime. I'm not a complete monster.

BECAUSE THEY WERE HILARIOUS

Who remembers those fatalities in Mortal Kombat 2 where your character didn't kill your opponent, but instead turned him/her into a baby or gave them a balloon animal or something? Did they keep those going in subsequent Mortal Kombat games? Also, why did no other fighting game do those? I think we've missed out here.

STATUS: Q

My friends are completely excellent and a great many things are underway that will make my life awesome right now or reasonably soon. How do I transmit this to others. How can I make contentment horribly contagious.

OH, BY THE WAY

Unrelated to my previous blog post: I am man enough to admit that I went to have it out this evening with a girl who's been basically jerking me around for a while, but when I got there, I found I just couldn't work up the necessary venom, so we parted ways without any huge drama.

I don't know what this says about me. I do tend to prefer an absence of drama to the presence thereof. Maybe I just wasn't that invested in it to begin with, or my ragebrain can be disarmed by a sufficiently pretty face, or I'm unconsciously saving my bile for something that'll truly piss me off. Who knows what that'll be like. Anyway, that's a thing that happened. How about that.

EXES AND OHS

For no real reason, I want to add one more letter to the standard "Xs and Os mean hugs and kisses" template: Z. But I don't know what it would stand for; I just really want there to be a third option for some reason.

SURE, WHY NOT

I don't watch House primarily because I can't afford to get addicted to any more TV, but I couldn't resist last night's episode because of how awesome the commercials made it seem. This is fine. What I didn't know was that apparently the dude has some new underling-type characters, one of whom is played by Kal Penn. Which leads me to the inevitable conclusion that House and Harold & Kumar are set in the same fictional universe. I am OK with this.

YOU NEEDED TO KNOW