OKAY, NO MORE

Looking back at the last few posts, I've noticed a lot of quotation marks. That was probably okay the first time, but not the next sixteen thousand times. From now on, fewer quotation marks. That's a promise.

Blogging is what I do instead of messageboards when I've got work to catch up on, apparently.

RIGHT THEN

OK PEOPLE

I am back from my buddy's marriage wedding. It was good times! Also, Albany is not quite as far away from Syracuse as I thought it was, though this may have been because of my mom's car and its fancy "cruise control."

I have eighteeen billion things to do here at work, so this lone blog entry will have to constitute my "return" to the internet for the time being, but I am devoting every single cell in my body to the concept of "productivity" to ensure a swift and terrible homecoming.

WEEKEND WARNING

On Thursday night, I'll be taking a trip off the internet to see a buddy of mine from way, way back get married. So I'll be gone until Tuesday, pretty much. Everybody be excellent to each other. This is an order.

MINOR NEWS

I have what seems to be a statistically-significant percentage of friends (internet and otherwise) who use LiveJournal. And so, because of its convenient "friends" functionality and the desire to leave comments like a "normal" person, I've acquired a free LJ account that I'm mostly going to use for those two purposes. Blogging will continue here as always; I just thought I'd mention it in case you see me pop up on your LJ and are taken by surprise.

I'm not going to put it up here; if you know me, you'll recognize me. I'm just sayin' hi.

KIND OF TIRED NOW

Episode III was good. The best of the three, no question, but I agree with my buddy Ian, who says #I should never have been made and #II should've been the first one. There was probably enough material in #III to make two movies. Oh well. Fighting. With lightsabers. I got my money's worth.

I've updated the Dogblog again. I've got an idea for a thing I want to do, but I need to talk to a literary agent, I think.

I bought this book and I'm pretty sure I want to do nothing else but read it for the rest of the week. That won't be happening because I've got some friends visiting, and then I'm out of town next weekend. Hey, plane reading! Spectacular.

PLEASANT SURPRISE

I feel like I can't shut up about it, but only because I saw it last night and I feel like I want to go see it again. See, while everyone else was in line at the midnight premiere of Episode III, I went to Unleashed down at the Presidio Theatre in, oddly, the Marina.

Jet Li has been in a couple of not-so-great movies within recent memory, let's not lie to ourselves. But this was pretty damn good. Maybe I just have a soft spot for Luc Besson movies, or Kerry Condon's character, or the fight scenes that were refreshingly devoid of JiggleCam.* Anyway, I liked it and I think you should go see it, possibly while waiting for Episode III (which I'll be seeing this weekend). The person ahead of you will save your spot in line.

* God damn and blast you to hell, Ridley Scott and John Mathieson, for Gladiator and the irreparable damage you have wrought upon action movies for all eternity

SOLUTION NEEDED

There is a spider living inside my passenger-side rearview mirror. Either that, or a self-regenerating spiderweb was placed there by magickal faeriyes. Since I'm pretty sure the latter is not a real option, I am now wondering how to go about getting rid of the damned thing. Clearing out its web every time I squeegee my windows at the gas station does not seem to be providing the necessary hint. Driving at high speed through rain has not proven to the spider that its chosen habitat is suboptimal. I don't have a readily-accessible hose at home with which to direct a targeted spray into the mirror's inner workings. What now. What now.

MENTAL MUSIC VIDEO THEATRE

A candy-colored anime robot

Sixty feet high

Zooming over a pristine verdant landscape

Under a brilliant cloudless sky

Battles a swarm of enemy mecha

Destroying attackers in midair with blasts of sparkling pastel-colored light

And fans of missiles that leave contrails like calligraphy

This is the movie that plays in my head when I listen in my car to the Crystal Method's remix of "Bizarre Love Triangle." Yes I guess I listen to the Crystal Method sometimes when driving. I guarantee that if you do the same, you will end up with a similar mental movie. It is 100% action.

I know footage like this must exist. If I had the necessary knowledge and technology, I'd cut together a primitive version of this video right now, solely for my own amusement.

In muscular fatigue news, my soreness is not quite as bad as I thought it'd be, which is a nice surprise.

DAY: SEIZED

HAPPY BAY TO BREAKERS,* PEOPLE

6am - Wake up

11am - Drunk

2pm - Hung over

3pm - Full

8pm - Cartoons

Now - Just beginning to feel the soreness that is sure to radiate throughout my entire body and kill every living thing in a fifty-mile radius

Just, uh, just so everyone knows.

* Bay to Breakers, based on today's (spectacular) experience, is a "race" that is kind of basically a moving, 70,000-person costume party that goes from the Embarcadero to the beach, and there are ninety billion gallons of booze. It is marvelous.

EVERYBODY BOW YOUR HEADS

I clasp my hands together and lower my head as I offer the following prayer:

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

I offer this sincere and heartfelt token of mental, spiritual, and gastronomical appreciation for you who have caused to exist the Pineapple and the Grill in the same plane of existence at the same time, and for you who long ago caused to occur the bringing together of these items in their fullness for the first time, and for you who have since made it possible for word of this glorious and hallowed combination to spread out upon the land and unto the minds of every man, woman, and child that they may bask in the glorious and unswerving love that is the hallmark of this your greatest work. I thank you and wish everlasting peace and contentment upon you in true and unremitting gratitude.

Seriously, guys, grilled pineapple is delicious.

CAPTAIN OF INDUSTRY

Updated the Dogblog last night. Didn't say anything here because I wanted to avoid a phenomenon I just made up called "blog clog." Blogclogging is where you make too damn many posts to your own blog. I'm sure there's already a word for this, but I am all about the creative process here. You can't stop me. None of you can stop me.

THE FUTURE OF ALL COMPETITION

I have just invented some extreme sports that I need to tell you about. One of them is old, but the other two? Brand new. Okay, here goes. Are you ready? You may not be ready.

TOO LATE

Shark Boxing (1 Player)

Player wears boxing gloves and stands in a large above-ground pool filled with about two feet of water containing a tiger, mako, or great white shark. The player basically has to knock the shark out, or something terrible will occur.

CatBattle: Tournament of Champions (1 Player)

Player wears standard boxing shorts and holds an open can of tuna in dominant hand, inside a ten-foot-tall clear acrylic cylinder roughly eight feet in diameter. Five dozen hungry cats are released through the top of the cylinder, and the timer is started. Player must use whatever means necessary to keep cats from getting to tuna without switching hands or spilling any. Game is up when five minutes have elapsed, all cats have been knocked unconscious, or player has been completely exsanguinated.

Extreme Karate (2 Players)

Extreme Karate is regulated and scored just like regular karate matches, except both competitors are on fire.

I AM THE FUTURE OF SPORT

HOBBIES: THE NEW BLACK

I made three more today, and there will very soon be an update to the Dogblog (I saw some good ones this weekend).

I got nothin' else. What d'you expect, the last update was only like nine hours ago. The only things that have happened in those hours besides the postcard-making are:

- I got some work done

- I ate some hot dogs, half a can of sweet corn, and maybe a quarter of a pineapple

- I listened to some music

- I was like, BONE ... BONE ... BONE

- One of these is not true

- One of these is self-referential (or is that two)

- WHOA

STANDARD LITANY OF RANTS

Assume the usual re: my opinion about:

1. High gas prices

2. Cops on the beach who break up your bonfire

3. Those hairs in your nostril that stick out and need trimmin'

4. Powdered hot chocolate in packets

5. Other things that matter very much

I had a dream last night that I was fighting a dude using a clear, plastic, organically-shaped sword. What do you suppose that symbolizes. I ask you.

THREE SMALL THINGS

1. Waking up at 3 AM with a headache reminded me how much I goddamn hate headaches. What was that all about.

2. Tomorrow (Saturday) is Free Comic Book Day.

3. If you're one of the people reading this via the LJ feed, you should know that it was set up by a buddy of mine, and I neither have a real LJ account nor read the comments that get posted there; I got enough to do!

That's all. Have a stellar weekend.

NEXUS OF OMINOUS

It's humid outside today in Mountain View. Humid. It's never humid here. I hope this portends a massive thunderstorm. I love those, and we almost never get them in the Bay Area for some stupid reason. Fiat thunder already.

In other, non-ominous news, this fails to surprise me, but it also fails to worry me. If I ever have kids, I'm pretty sure they'll be half-Asian babies, and maybe I'm making a sweeping and unfair generalization, but basically all the half-Asian people I've ever met have been almost unbearably attractive. I guess I'll find out whenever the rest of you do.

I debated changing the title of this blogpost, but I decided I'd rather leave the esoteric nerd reference in there. How about that.

TWO ITEMS

1. I bought a giant thing of tissues at Costco. Allergies will kneel before me. They'll have no choice now. You don't even want to know how many tissues there are. It will straight up blow your mind.

2. Five more postcards.

Be well, internet! Be well.